Monday, April 4, 2011

whatever reconciles me to God.

last night, i couldn't sleep. i'm in NYC for a few days and found myself wide awake at 4am tossing and turning on my step-sister's air mattress. i was anxious and couldn't settle down, even after a good 2 hrs of my secret vice, Jersey Shore. i couldn't stop thinking about the decision i had made that had brought me 3,000 miles across the country. i had given up a chance at a HUGE audition in order to be in NY for my sister's CD release party. and i didn't know if i had made the right decision. i'm dedicated to dance. ever since my dad passed away, it's almost as if everything is a little clearer in my life. mind you, it took me a month of hell and despair to get here, but the fog has begun to clear and i am confident that dance is my path for today.

and here i was starring at the ceiling, sweating over my choices. the decision had been made, i couldn't go back to LA in time for the audition and yet i felt so uneasy and troubled by it all. i didn't know if my concern was coming from fear and other terrible roots that i shouldn't nurture or listen to, or from God, who was pushing my spirit in a certain direction. so i started to pray. i didn't want to because i hadn't in a while and always get a feeling of shame when i start back into it again. like the feeling you might get when you see an old friend who's lost someone close and you haven't even called him/her in almost a year.
so i just started emotionally puking on God. an unfiltered rant. i started confessing my weaknesses, the things that i could feel my mind battling against, and raped my brain for scriptures that could help me in this place i didn't want to be.
and after about 15 minutes, i got there.
God reminded me of the first line of Psalm 24. "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it."
there i was, worried i had made the wrong decision, believing that God couldn't work His will within my choices. and it was dumb. his Scripture gave me some peace and i started analyzing all the energy i was putting into my fearfulness. what did i really care about? what did i want people to say when they walked past my grave stone? why was i so concerned about dancing behind some pop artist i didn't even know? and i came to the conclusion that my values were effed up. that i was going to begin intentionally pursuing whatever reconciles me to God. fundamentally, this concept was the most important thing to me anyway, so how had i drifted so far? Philippians 4:8 came to mind. "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
i hadn't been. i had lost control of my thoughts and was up at 4am because of it. 2 Corinthians 10: 4-5 says, "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."
i wanted to live like this again. in this light, having full confidence in the God i called myself a Christian for. and that is my prayer for us all. may we be a believing people who don't get tossed back and forth by the waves of the sea.

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