Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What's hard.

You know what's difficult? Well, one: being honest with yourself and others sometimes, and two: really and truly believing that God has you in His hand. no matter what.

It's really tough right now for me. The entertainment industry can be like high school with its pettiness and politics. It's terrible. I live in it every day. In my mind, I battle being who i'm called to be. Outwardly, people don't see it, but inwardly it's a constant strife to be the best me. I find my thoughts escaping to a world of jealousy, or impatience, or the misconception that i have to do certain things i really don't want to do in order to reach my career goals. Like i said, high school. And what a silly way to exist.

You would think that by 28, i'd have this whole bone of contention figured out. I'm a hip hop dancer who doesn't like going to the bougie clubs where all the dancers hang out, who doesn't toke up (so always feel like the nerd left out in high school), who doesn't have sex (oooo....dear God! aren't i a prude!), and who doesn't feel like i need to be someone i'm not. My prayer and hope for myself, for my friends, and for the future friends i've yet to meet, is that we'd be a believing people who value serving God over ourselves and Man. no bullshit about it. it's difficult. i know it is. i didn't know God until i was 20. i've led a completely different life full of immodesty and shame that i wish never to struggle with again. but my hope is in what God did for me, thankfully, not in what i can do for Him. and if you don't believe in the God of the Bible, then i hope whatever your belief is, that you value it and trust in things beyond a compromising society that's full of cracks. that you seek truth and a better and deeper understanding of what this thing called Life is all about. what a shame if you never cared.

"Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to tremendous difficulties."
Charles H. Spurgeon

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

been a long time, shouldntna left you without a dope beat to step to.

ok. long time no write SR. sorry bout that. and sorry to anyone who actually reads what i write. i don't know if anyone does, but i figure since i have a few followers, there might be some who pop on here once and again to divulge in my thoughts.

so it's been a while. yes. and over the past few months, a lot has happened in the my life. i moved myself across country actually. hopped in a car in NC and drove all the way through, ATL, to New Orleans, to Austin TX, to Tuscan AZ, to San Diego, to home now. that's right, i live in Korea Town. you know, the town that's repped in the well circuited "Like a G6"medley. K-Town. And it's fun. i live with an old roomie from high school and we make it work just splendidly. we have an orange bathroom (or Mango Madness if you want to be specific) and the rest of the pad emulates the streets of Japan. a quirky fashion that has bright colors and random knickknacks all around. our apartment was built in the early 1900s and has a nautical feel about it....architecture-wise. even though it feels like we live in a rainbow (den lime green, kitchen red, hallway Tiffany blue, and the aforementioned mango bathroom) we call it the Boat House. and i like it.

i moved out here to dance, obviously for those who read this blog, and i must say so far so good. i'm awkwardly tall for a female hip hop dancer and ATL had worn me thin. i was ready for a change-o and my bottle had landed on the City of Angels. it's been 4 months now and LA has treated me well... so far. nuff bout that.

i'm learning. a lot. and i'm changing every day. i haven't written on here in a long time because every time i sit down to write i feel as if i'm in battle. i hear, "what you have to write isn't important" or "that's a stupid ass thing to write about, who would care about that" or "that's ridiculous, you know your thoughts on this or that will change into a different shape tomorrow...just wait a while, then you can write". and it gets me nowhere. and i click "Save Now" instead of "Publish Post".

but i DO have things to say. and i am constantly thinking about these things.

i went to a "community group" or whatthehellever, a bible study if you will, tonight. in Silver Lake. and it was good. it was nice to meet people who cared about loving people. i meet people all the time, at the club, at the bar, at a restaurant, at a gig, in the streets, at a class, wherever, and i care about them. immediately. it's weird at times. maybe it's weird because i'm not thriving in a community where people connect as quickly as that?....or maybe people ignore that pull they feel? i don't know. but i tell you, just like this blog that i neglect, i get scared and don't say what i want to say sometimes.

i've had a lot of sweet moments though recently. they've been so frequent that i feel as if God is purposefully making them happen in my life (at least i like to think that). a slap in the face to remind me of who i am and what matters on this earth. and i'm thankful. i'm really thankful because LA isn't for the faint-hearted. it's a metropolis full of vibrant life that is fast and furious.

even now, as i write, it's tough to put int
o words what i want to say.
i guess for now i'll just say that i'll try to write more in 2011. i might say things you don't agree with, that you have questions about, that you want me to extend on, please feel free to comment. in fact i encourage you to comment because who doesn't like knowing someone's listening?

i hope you've started your year off wonderfully and cheers to a new year full of taking the time to focus on what's important or at least figure that out if you don't know yet what that is for you.