Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Ghost of the Cepheus Flare
Image Credit & Copyright: Adam Block, Mt. Lemmon SkyCenter, University of Arizona
Explanation: Spooky shapes seem to haunt this starry expanse, drifting through the night in the royal constellation Cepheus. Of course, the shapes are cosmic dust clouds faintly visible in dimly reflected starlight. Far from your own neighborhood on planet Earth, they lurk at the edge of the Cepheus Flare molecular cloud complex some 1,200 light-years away. Over 2 light-years across the ghostly nebula and relatively isolated Bok globule, also known as vdB 141 or Sh2-136, is near the center of the field. The core of the dark cloud on the right is collapsing and is likely a binary star system in the early stages of formation. Even so, if the spooky shapes could talk, they might well wish you a happy Halloween.

Friday, October 28, 2011

God knows me, but do i know Him.

i feel as if i have never known the Lord.

that is a big statement to make. let me explain.
you know those times when you realize how small you are? you might live your life where you are always # 1. your mistakes and problems make you feel like the world is going to end right in front of your face. and you fall to your knees in confusion and in desperation for something better. something bigger.
well that has been my life over the past 8 months. and i find myself without a career, living in my parents basement, wondering what the hell could happen next. i'm sure we have all come to this standstill in life, though the circumstances may look different.

i've come to realize that God has never been enough for me. i've short-changed who i think He is and what i believe He thinks of me. i can sit here and tell you that i'm a sweet caring follower of Christ who trusts in the Lord beyond measure and who has faith that could move mountains, but that is not true.

i'm in pain. and i struggle. there are days when i'm confident in God's grace for me and there are days when i feel like i'm swimming emotionally/spiritually through mud.
i have never really known God because i never really needed Him.
until now.

i read about the treacherous trials of Job, i immerse myself into the sweeping pain and prosperity of David, author of the Pslams, and amongst many emotions, i am thankful.
i am thankful that men and women have been honest. that followers of Christ long ago understood that sharing your struggle in your faith is just as important as sharing your strength.
and i am better for it. i read about Joseph, Moses, and Paul who have faced far more devastating circumstances than i, and i am encouraged. somehow, despite my pain and confusion, there is something bigger. and this something bigger looks at me and says, you are beautiful. He says, with you, i am well pleased.

may we all be a people of honesty, of hope, and of love. for God looks at us and says, you are worth it.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

the Lord is my shepherd, i lack nothing. 
                                                     -psalm 23:1

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sit here.

Are we devotees to a cause or disciples of the Lord? He said to the disciples, "Sit here." If they had been like some of us they would have said, "No, it is absurd. We must go and do something."
The more we get into the atmosphere of the New Testament the more we discover the unfathomable and unhasting leisure of our Lord's life, no matter what His agony. The difficulty is that when we do what God wants us to do, our friends say, "It is all well, but suppose we all did that?" Our Lord did not tell all the disciples to sit there while He prayed; He told only three of them. The point is that we must take as from God the haphazard arrangement of our lives. If we accept the Lord Jesus Christ and the domination of His lordship, we also accept that nothing happens by chance, because we know that God orders and engineers circumstances; the fuss has gone, the amateur providence has gone, the amateur disposer has gone, and we know that "all things work together for good to those who love God." If Jesus says, "Sit here, while I go pray over there," the only appropriate thing we can do is to sit there."  

- If You Will Ask

Monday, October 17, 2011

This morning I am waking up with Psalm 34 on my lips and in my heart.
How hard it is to grieve a feel horrifying fall asleep with a "future" and wake up to a blank canvas. It is scary and it is hard.
But I awake this morning with praises to our Lord on my lips. How blessed am I that He would bring such evil darkness into light.
I'm a mess. I really hurt. But the Lord shall be praised in this house.

Friday, October 14, 2011

a devotion my friend sent me this morning.

October 14, 2011
Be prepared to suffer for me, in my Name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely- even thanking me for them- is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned blessings of joy thought-out heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles.
When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide form problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity though your trust and thankfulness.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Psalm 107:21-22
Oh that men would give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

i won't rot.

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

my dad died. my boyfriend cheated.

This year has been the worst year of my life. I am officially giving 2011 the middle finger.
The few people who read this blog know that my dad died in a car accident on Valentine's Day this year. Well... as of 11 days ago, I found out that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, was unfaithful to me. Had been our entire relationship with several women.
I had no clue.

So... I've been weeping. A lot. I've been angry. Confused. And thought I couldn't take anymore. I've cried so
deeply this week that I felt as if my middle core was paper thin and I would fold over and die. Sadness has been my friend.

However I'm still alive today... popping zits in the morning and thinking/worrying about my ever so unpredictable future. Sometimes you just keep going because you know you're not going to kill yourself and the sun will always rise. This has been my reality.

And yet, I am changed. God is bigger and mysterious and I am changed.
This past week, I've been walking the streets of Portland and resting by the Puget Sound here in Washington, pondering over my pain. And something started making sense that never had before. I realized that I had a mold. I had a mental blueprint outlined of what I wanted or thought I needed in my life and it hadn't played out. It had frustrated me and it was disappointing me. Hoping to create my own version of "happily-ever-after", I had become critical and controlling. I couldn't live like this anymore. God hadn't wanted me to and had striped me of everything to show me that. The mold hadn't worked because it was mine and not God's.

Next week I'm making the big truck across country again to join the benevolence and open arms of the South, and I'm going back changed. I am learning that there is a freedom in Christ's love that I have been rejecting for a while now. Too often we find ourselves accepting the great things in life from God and deflecting the bad ...thinking that they couldn't possibly be a part of God's plan for us. Well that's just plain wrong. The beauty in taking your mess to Christ and being
confident that He's got your back, forever, liberates and allows you to prosper. It doesn't mean you're not scared and it doesn't mean you're not worried from time to time. What it does mean is that you don't have to have it all together and that's okay.

So here I go into the Holidays learning to let go and joyfully allow my story to be written by Someone Else. May His love flow into my pain and make me whole again.

Wahclella Falls. Portland.