over these last few months, i lost my father to a drunken car accident and watched him die on a hospital bed in front of my face, i kissed the sweet, soft temple of my new born nephew 3 days later, i was supposed to be "happy" and celebrate my birthday 2 days after that, and met the man of my dreams that same week. this all, within 1 month.
i've been a little confused to say the least.
i find myself, 4 months later, sitting in a reality so much more palpable than i ever could have imagined.
my reality is sitting with God, angry, confused, frustrated, and yet not losing the knowledge of His goodness and care for me and mankind. His justice is beyond what i know Justice to be and his Love is deeper for Man than i can ever understand.
i've been mad at God. no one should have to pull the plug on their own father. i don't know why i have to go through and face what i have to, but God knows how many hairs are on my head and knows how much i can handle. and He is right.
here i am, on the other side of it, finally starting to edge towards the window to let the sun rays hit my face again and i might be happy you could say. and i might know God a little better.
being a follower of Christ doesn't mean ignoring what's evil and painful in life. it doesn't mean putting on a fake smile running around with Praise Jesus on your lips all day. it means sitting with Him, on the floor, weeping out your sorrow and pleading for more of Him, with full knowledge that you don't and will never grasp life the way He created it to be.
I might be moving to L.A. for 4 months and attending Reality. I grew up in S. CA but have spent most of my life working with the suffering in Haiti, India and Africa.
It's amazing how many people hold God responsible for evil in this world. My grandma used to say, "People ask God why there is so much suffering and what He's going to do about it, and He says, 'I have done something amazingly eternal about it', now what are you going to do?" I thought that pretty insightful.
Working with the suffering, I have no illusions that life is easy or bad things don't happen to good people. But I also have no illusions that God isn't good just because bad things happen. We live in a fallen world on this side of heaven, so of course, there are going to be a lot of days that remind us this isn't heaven.
I'm so glad you worked thru your anger. You are way beyond many people by doing that. Honesty is so important, and I can see one reason you were able to work through this is because you are wise enough to be honest with God. He doesn't recoil when we let Him know we're hurting and don't get why He allowed it. In fact, we're more likely to find Him waiting to embrace us.
Thanks for sharing these honest thoughts.