This year has been the worst year of my life. I am officially giving 2011 the middle finger.
The few people who read this blog know that my dad died in a car accident on Valentine's Day this year. Well... as of 11 days ago, I found out that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, was unfaithful to me. Had been our entire relationship with several women.
I had no clue.
So... I've been weeping. A lot. I've been angry. Confused. And thought I couldn't take anymore. I've cried so deeply this week that I felt as if my middle core was paper thin and I would fold over and die. Sadness has been my friend.
However I'm still alive today... popping zits in the morning and thinking/worrying about my ever so unpredictable future. Sometimes you just keep going because you know you're not going to kill yourself and the sun will always rise. This has been my reality.
And yet, I am changed. God is bigger and mysterious and I am changed. This past week, I've been walking the streets of Portland and resting by the Puget Sound here in Washington, pondering over my pain. And something started making sense that never had before. I realized that I had a mold. I had a mental blueprint outlined of what I wanted or thought I needed in my life and it hadn't played out. It had frustrated me and it was disappointing me. Hoping to create my own version of "happily-ever-after", I had become critical and controlling. I couldn't live like this anymore. God hadn't wanted me to and had striped me of everything to show me that. The mold hadn't worked because it was mine and not God's.
Next week I'm making the big truck across country again to join the benevolence and open arms of the South, and I'm going back changed. I am learning that there is a freedom in Christ's love that I have been rejecting for a while now. Too often we find ourselves accepting the great things in life from God and deflecting the bad ...thinking that they couldn't possibly be a part of God's plan for us. Well that's just plain wrong. The beauty in taking your mess to Christ and being confident that He's got your back, forever, liberates and allows you to prosper. It doesn't mean you're not scared and it doesn't mean you're not worried from time to time. What it does mean is that you don't have to have it all together and that's okay.
So here I go into the Holidays learning to let go and joyfully allow my story to be written by Someone Else. May His love flow into my pain and make me whole again.