God knows me, but do i know Him.

i feel as if i have never known the Lord.

that is a big statement to make. let me explain.
you know those times when you realize how small you are? you might live your life where you are always # 1. your mistakes and problems make you feel like the world is going to end right in front of your face. and you fall to your knees in confusion and in desperation for something better. something bigger.
well that has been my life over the past 8 months. and i find myself without a career, living in my parents basement, wondering what the hell could happen next. i'm sure we have all come to this standstill in life, though the circumstances may look different.

i've come to realize that God has never been enough for me. i've short-changed who i think He is and what i believe He thinks of me. i can sit here and tell you that i'm a sweet caring follower of Christ who trusts in the Lord beyond measure and who has faith that could move mountains, but that is not true.

i'm in pain. and i struggle. there are days when i'm confident in God's grace for me and there are days when i feel like i'm swimming emotionally/spiritually through mud.
i have never really known God because i never really needed Him.
until now.

i read about the treacherous trials of Job, i immerse myself into the sweeping pain and prosperity of David, author of the Pslams, and amongst many emotions, i am thankful.
i am thankful that men and women have been honest. that followers of Christ long ago understood that sharing your struggle in your faith is just as important as sharing your strength.
and i am better for it. i read about Joseph, Moses, and Paul who have faced far more devastating circumstances than i, and i am encouraged. somehow, despite my pain and confusion, there is something bigger. and this something bigger looks at me and says, you are beautiful. He says, with you, i am well pleased.

may we all be a people of honesty, of hope, and of love. for God looks at us and says, you are worth it.