Monday, March 15, 2010

i had a dream last night. about honesty. eerie, i know.

but i thought i'd write about it while i sit here and eat my pistachio muffin.


last night i dreamt about lying and how it spirals us down into a well of guilt, fear, and chagrin. my dream was weird and simple. i was hanging with my twin sister and some friends. it was late at night and we wanted to go to a party. in order to get to the party we thought it'd be comical to, oddly enough, (though it wasn't odd
in my dream, you know how dreams go) run through someone's front porch to get to the party that was next to that specific house. the porch had two side entrances so you could shot gun through the house as fast as my crew got eliminated from ABDC.
the house belonged to my sister's future in-laws. so as we piled onto the porch running kind of slow as i think most of us were tipsy, my sister's future dad-in-law came running out raising hell. we bolt. he chases and yells. and i never stop running. in my dream, i was petrified that i had just ruined the chances of my sister getting married into that family. silly, but alas, it's a dream. he never caught me.
the next day, in my dream, the father-in-law, we'll call him Bob, came up to my house and asked me where i was the night before. lying through
my teeth, i explain i was home, and he leaves. a few hours later i get a call from my friend Martha and out of fear and shame, i don't pick up. the phone was kind of like a fax machine in my dream, so at the end of the call, she faxes me, and it reads,
"I know how to give you your voice back. Call me now."
end of dream.

what a bizarre dream to have right? yeah i thought so too.

when i awoke this morning, i thought about it a lot. what was the dream all about? why would God give me not only a daft dream like this but also make me wake up in a state of discomfort and fear. i hate dreams that leave you feeling uneasy when you awake. you know... the ones where you see the person you're in love with making out with someone that's not you.

or when you dream about being hunted down by creatures that look like the skeksis from Dark Crystal.

or when you wake up feeling twisted in a lie.

why did i, do i, feel the need for a cover-up? why do i lie? there Adam and Eve were, hiding from God after the First sin because they wanted to be just as smart as God. and i find myself resonating with their reaction today. call it self-protection, call it cowardice. whatever it is, it's sin. and i don't like it. cause it separates me from God. He being the one thing that makes me great. and jabbing the knife even deeper into my already gashed self-image is the fact that God asks the question, "Where are you?" (gen. 3:9). here we have an all-knowing God who's perfect in every way, with full knowledge of where we are, what we do, and what we think, coloring the dark sky with a simple question pregnant with love. with these three words i see a remnant of who God is and how He views the best things He ever created; us. He's saying, "here i am. i am who i am, i love you. i seek after you. i call to you to come. this is a relationship. you are not my puppets, and i want you to want me back."

martha said that she knew how to give me my voice back in my dream. well i think that's how you get it. you come shitty and broken to a God who calls you by name. every day.

what does your voice sound like?

1 comment:

  1. well said my friend. thanks for your vulnerability